I have been active on social media for a few years now. It all started when my entire life collapsed. I was at THE rock bottom. It is funny because I will never forget THAT moment I hit rock bottom. Where I was laying. The way the tears taste. The way my heart hurt and the way I didn’t know if it was more painful or difficult to take the next breath or not because my chest and heart were collapsing. Rock bottom. The interesting part of this is that when I woke up that morning I had life figured out. My life was “perfect” to every single person in the world. It was in my mind too.
Rock bottom is quite is interesting. I did take that next breath. Eventually. Sometimes gasping for it. It was never an honest choice of whether or not I WOULD but more if I COULD.
Rock freaking bottom. The following day I woke up at rock bottom. You know when I climbed the volcano in Bali I was secretly hoping I would be able to look down and see lava in the crater. Unlikely … I know this … But I kinda wondered if I would. I don’t know much about volcanos and didn’t know. In Hawaii you can. Nope. Obviously. It was a rock bottom. Even volcanos have a rock bottom.
But do they? Or is what is even below rock bottom more deadly. More powerful. More destructive.
Now back to waking up at my own person rock bottom. That day I woke up thinking … well what now. But then what was underneath not only showed but exploded that evening. I lived one day at rock bottom until I realized rock bottom means shit. There is ALWAYS another level. A deeper one. A more powerful and destructive one. And I found my own personal hell. My innocence was officially lost. My faith in God lost. My world that had been flipped upside-down proved to not be even a world anyways. It was just a big fucking volcano and I was drowning in the magma.
There are a few times and ONLY a few times in life that you learn what you are made of.
Are you a sinker or swimmer.
Are you a fighter or a coward.
Eventually the rest of the story will be told. But for today I say I found out I was a fighter and later I “literally” found out I was a swimmer.
Back to social media.
My outlet was fitness. I have always been fit. Active. But I started looking on Instagram and it was when the whole “fitfam” had just begun and I think only like 5,000 had used the hashtag versus the millions upon millions that do today. I found a few runners and a few body builders and followed them religiously. I looked at what they ate, how they lift, the resources they used and the races they ran. I was a sponge. I started a “fitness account” along with my personal one because I decided to run a marathon and I wanted to document it. I was also sick of fitness flooding my personal feed and the Virgo organizer wanted everything streamlined and neat. So that was the beginning.
My social media has evolved and ebbed and flowed as I have grown and changed my life. Naturally it would. The only thing I knew is that I did not want perfection. I didn’t EVER want anyone to look at me and say “she has it all together” … “her life is perfect” … or compare a trial they are having with something that is not for me. So I started to share more. I remember the post about my divorce. I waited for almost a month before doing so. Everyone in my life knew and my circle was closed and tight. But that was probably the moment that everything changed. When I presented myself as a massively imperfect human and stood my ground. I had no clue the reception I would receive and frankly I didn’t care. It was to my surprise overwhelming positive and the single mothers that extended their love and hands was beyond touching. I was visibly flawed. And it felt so.damn.good. To be imperfect.
That day I can say there was a shift in my social media presence. My posts, while still highly fitness related, had an element of me mind-dumping. I would write and write. My posts got longer and while they may have seemed like I was trying to write “inspirational posts” to be honest, I think it was my subconscious writing to ME from me. If that makes sense? I was writing what I needed to hear. I probably still do on a lot of levels. Writing has ALWAYS been a part of my life but now I was sharing intimate moments and thoughts publicly. And it felt good. Really good. To show up to the world. Flawed. Imperfect. I started living a more vulnerable life as I studied it more, mostly from Brene Brown the mastermind in living a wholehearted and vulnerable life. And do you know what I found …
The more I showed up vulnerable and imperfect, the more space it created for others to do so as well. My connections became deeper because superficial went out the window. I had read about this effect but actually living it, on my small scale platform, was and has been humbling. Very enlightening. And brings me a lot of happiness.
I started writing on this blog again this year. It has been and is my goal to show up to this blog. Use it to unleash and write my thoughts and then hit send. It is a very imperfect blog. It isn’t visually too pleasing. But the content is real. I meditate and journal and then write here. I don’t ever have a plan of what to write but I just do it. I love this place to write. It is one of the highlights of my day when I get to type and flow through my own thoughts. This is a little haven for me.
I don’t even know that point of this post to be honest … I am just happy this morning. Oddly very happy. My monthly meditation group’s theme is Happiness. I have been concentrating on a Happiness meditation along with my personal meditation each day. Today was actually the first day since our group started that I didn’t FEEL happy when I was actually meditating. I found myself crying and talking to God and listening to the music all at the same time. Crying to release. I love crying. It is a beautiful expression of raw human emotion. BUT when I got done meditating and sat down my heart suddenly became full. I felt this deep peace.
My “card for the day” said:
Give it to God
I gave it to God this morning. My tears. My smiles. My love.
I have a five year old perspective on God as you all know. I talk to the Universe AND God. And my angels and the stars and especially the moon. And the sun at sunset and sunrise. I love them all. I love all the energy and light.
Happiness is within.
I just paused my writing to take a moment. To smile. I don’t know guys … Life is really beautiful. It isn’t easy. I understand what JK Rowling meant when she said, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life”. My foundation is solid now. Does that mean I won’t visit there again? I absolutely will. I am sure of that. That is LIFE. But I know it now. I have tools to help me. I have done a lot of work on my SELF and SOUL and know how build from the ground up.
I have never in my life been in such an open and free space. I am OPEN to love. To being loved. And receiving love. I am free to be ME. Just me. Flawed and a beautiful mess. I am FREE to love the shit out of my life and be HAPPY. I am OPEN to possibility and miracles. I am free to dream … really freaking big. I am open and free.
My heart may burst at this very second with love and happiness. I have tears of joy streaming down my face.
If you are at your own rock bottom, keep breathing. One breath at a time. That is the only advice I have or will give someone. Because when you are in that moment, that is all you have the power to do. Breath. You will NOT feel that way forever. You just won’t. And I don’t want you to believe me right now because I know you don’t … but just keep it in the back of your head for when you are ready for it. Until then, keep breathing. Just keep breathing.
You are so not alone out there.