I have had ideas for most of my recent blog posts but haven’t done a mind dump post in a while. I woke so early this morning because I was fighting a cough. I admittedly haven’t followed the Cubs journey although I live in Chicago and they are “my team”…but I had to check first thing to see if they won and they DID! I think what I care about the most is my friends happiness. My dear friend post a video and picture of her and her son. Baseball is their LIFE just like triathlon is mine. She said she would never forget watching that game with her son and it made me emotional because I understand that passion and those kinds of memories. Be it a different type, having these moments, even in sports, are SO priceless to us as families and individuals. In a world where there is so much “bad” … things like baseball games and Ironman finish lines make life richer and more exciting. If the world were to ever end and there was a zombie apocalypse (I have been watching the Walking Dead so YES … my mind went there!!!!!) these are the kinds of things I would miss. Haha! I told you this would be a random mind dump post!
Thought Two. Life is short. My family lost a close friend unexpectedly this week. It is always hard for me to feel like my Dad is sad. I know he is and it breaks my heart I can’t be there for him in person. It is always a reminder that you never know how much time you have with anyone and to just LOVE the shit out of the ones you love. Pride aside. Forgive. Just love. And TELL THEM! I had a conversation with one of my best friends this week and told him that if we aren’t told, a lot of times we really don’t know. There is a reason that, “Words of Affirmation” is a love language and for some people, they need to be reaffirmed and told by words. It hurts nobody to tell someone how much you love them or how proud you are of them. Speak your words. Speak your thoughts. Every.Damn.Day. Leave nothing unsaid when you go to bed. Having said this, I need to do better with the loved ones in my own life.
Thought Three. I watched the movie Bad Moms last week. I was dying laughing!!! I have never been able to relate to a movie so much before. I try to keep it as real as possible online. I will not portray a perfect life or a perfect ANYthing. I have lived that and taking off that mask was the best decision I ever made. Giving zero fucks about what people think (except the ones that I can count on one hand…yes I believe we should care what our inner circle says and thinks because they SHOULD know us best and be able to love us like nobody else and call us on our bullshit!)…. has been the most rewarding gift I have ever given to myself at age 30. Bad Moms made me laugh and I feel like every single mom should watch that show. Being a Mom is HARD. Period. Rewarding and FUN and everything but HARD. There is this video going around from Jimmy Kimmel that is HILARIOUS! It is parents telling their kids they ate all their Halloween Candy and then the kids reactions. Some kids throw tantrums, some kids forgave, one kid dropped “fuck”, some kids physically lashed out and others tried to be brave even though they were sad. I couldn’t do it to my boys because it would break my heart because they would be bawling and I am sure I would get the “mean mom” and “I hate you” and I would be THAT mom with the kid that said fuck. Insert eye roll. What struck me was the comments. Now I believe 97% of them came from people without kids!!! It was almost hilarious reading them. People calling the tantrum throwers brats, saying the kids were “out of control”, saying “I will NEVER allow my children to do that and I’ll raise the “good kids”” (good luck with that one….all non-parents say shit phrases like that….I bet you also say I won’t have the kid walking around the store with his shirt on backwards and sticky from sucking on his lollipop…talk to me again when you’ve had no sleep, are covered in piss/breastmilk/snot and your kid is walking quietly through Target because they have a sucker in their mouth and you didn’t have to dress them because they wanted to “dress themselves” … which is WINNING in my parenting book!!!!) and saying how horrible the parenting was from the kids who swore, hit or screamed. I am positive those came from insecure parents who have to be “perfect” OR people with no kids. Under NO circumstances would another mother in her right mind, judge a mom from a kid’s tantrum. ESPECIALLY involving Halloween candy!!!! If someone came in and told me they took my Tri Bike from me, you bet your ass I would be crying and screaming and possibly knock someone out! HAHA! It is all about perspective. Kids in general can’t comprehend mentally and they are LEARNING to handle trauma and taking away Halloween candy is traumatic! Soooooooo …. long story short. I would LOVE to meet a mom who can HONESTLY say their kid has never thrown an out of control tantrum. Called them a bad mom, said I don’t love you anymore, I want a new mom, my life is the worst or anything similar. I would LOVE to meet a mom whose kid hasn’t physically lashed out at SOME point against them trying to hit them. Under no circumstances does this mean I don’t correct the behavior BUT for instance, my oldest wouldn’t really do that because he doesn’t react that way but I have had to teach my youngest who is a more physical child in general that that doesn’t work and is NEVER ok. Does it mean my child is out of control. Fuck no and anyone who said that I will challenge. He is a child. And has to learn how to deal with anger. He isn’t modeling me because I don’t spank or hit my kids. So it shows we ALL deal with frustration and anger differently. Some kids are more calm and some more emotional. Anyone who is raising a child or especially is raising multiple children know each one is different and has to be taught in a different light. Period. So pretty much, I thought the video was hilarious and think it is worth a watch if you want to see some really funny shit!
Thought Four. I accidentally stumbled on some old journal entries last night via emails I sent to myself. Wow. Blast from the past. Someone asked me the other day when I started writing and I said I have always been a “writer” and journal keeper. I used to have a family blog when I was married and I love still looking back on it because I have such good memories with my kiddos one there. And my whole marriage wasn’t shit so I am at the point I can hold on to the good memories now I have with my ex husband. He is a good man and I am thankful we can remain close. When you spend over 10 years of your life with someone, you become best friends obviously. So I love that I still have that blog to remember the good times. I obviously closed it down publicly and now I have this blog. I started writing VERY regularly 4 years ago at the urging of my therapist. I started and never looked back. I had sent a few journals to my email like I said 3 years ago and it blew my mind to read them. I wrote things like this just 3 years ago …
“Yah. Vulnerability is new to me however. I’ve had the most amazing mask (game face) on for 10 years. I love how they said it’s completely unnerving (have many of these moments) but tender. The tender moments found in colors, benches, scenery, leaves, a 4 year olds words are so precious and just what it said tenderness…my heart is holding on to this tender…I think I’ve always had a very tender heart…I’m just learning it was buried for many years and only glimpses could come out. LIVING every day with a tender heart is me. The real simple me.”
“It is time…time to let it go and be strong and DO
Be a Beginner…embrace it bc you’re humble, passionate, and energetic”
“I’m having a moment today….I started crying at yoga. Just because my husband was my best friend for 11 years. We had SO much fun during the good times. And made a good parenting team. That fucking “why am I not “enough” insecurities creeped back out” and then just broke my heart. I ran out of yoga with my head down praying nobody at the gym would talk to me. Took it to the the running path. Felt better after a run but I hate that insecurity most of all.”
“Everyone has been through something in their life that once they face endure and persevere and most importantly come out victorious changes the way they look at life and they can never go back to life as they once they once knew it. They are a new more mature version of themselves and IF they can look past what had happened and know it isn’t them it is just what has happened to them they will find courage strength and a sense of humility that will forever empower them. They will ultimately become the heroine of their life and never the victim.”
“Events and things that were made known and happened that made me fight for my life for my marriage. To the death. In the end I knew I had to save myself.”
These are obviously just snippets of thoughts and things I had written. But this is where I was 3 years ago. November has always been a hard month for me but this time around I am choosing to celebrate. Celebrate that LOVE always wins. That when you love hard enough you can conquer the world. You can save relationships. That may sound odd because I am divorced but LOVE did save the relationship I have with my kids dad. And my kids thrive from that. Love always wins. You just have to be BOLD and BRAVE enough to let go of the ego and your pride. Vulnerability is beautiful. Wear that shit like you do your favorite accessory or Ironman title.
Last Thought. Rejection.
I have experienced this a lot this year. I know SO many people who have. I wanted to give my HOPE on this subject….
This is know for sure:
Every time I was rejected from something, it was because something even more magical was waiting around the next corner.
In the moment I honestly can’t say I believed this. BUT … in hindsight … rejection builds character and puts you on the RIGHT path versus the path you believe you are supposed to be.
So if you are in the moment of rejection … just hang on and keep breathing. HOPE. And know everything happens for a reason. And there is something so beautiful that you can’t even comprehend it waiting around the next turn. So just keep on breathing. You can lay down and not move for a period of time. But keep on breathing. One day you will get up. And one day you will crawl. And one day you will stand up. And one day you will start to put one foot in front of the other. Just keep breathing. The world needs all the love you have to offer. The world needs YOU.