The “D” word … I guess today we talk about Divorce

Back in the day when I was recently divorced and I was basically looking at my life like

What the fuck do I do now…

PS…If you are going through or are recently divorced I assure you that moment WILL come. And it is normal. And EVERYone feels that. And guess what? You don’t have to know the answer. Period. So take the pressure off and just feel that “what the fuck do I do now” fully and then breath and move on with your day. The answer will come…maybe all at once and maybe in pieces. Mine is for sure pieces and while it has been years now, I finally feel like I have the four corners of my puzzle set up. Now I am building the borders and then will fill in the middle as life ebbs and flows. It is a journey. Not a destination.

Ok…Sorry…Tangent. I feel like I don’t talk much about my divorce. And that is primarily because it is all written down. I can count on my fingers the people that know my whole story and there are only a select few and I mean FEW that REALLY know the depths of my heart. I didn’t have a voice before I was divorced. So I wrote. In silence. Most days. I wrote until I was in Rome this last New Years and finished my story. I have it printed now and it sits on my nightstand. I let my mom read it in its entirety. It is the voice that wanted to be heard but was afraid. Of shame. Of judgement. Of being unloved. Someday I want to share it with the world but as it turns out the publishing world is a pretty crazy ass world. I have the tenacity but it may take awhile.

I guess for some reason I don’t talk about the divorce because in all honestly I have moved on. I am very good friends with my X and my kids are thriving. In a way…now if we are getting REALLY real….Talking about it makes me feel like I could be “unlovable” to someone in the future. Which is stupid I know…although I never think feelings are stupid. Let me explain…

I am a single mom. I have two kids. I am back in the “dating world”. And holy hell the dating world is MUCH different now than it was when I was a college girl. Do I want to get married again…I can honestly say yes. It took me awhile to get there but despite being divorced I believe in marriage. I have good modeling in my life through my parents, grandparents and some friends that give me hope. I believe in love. I have a shit-ton of love to offer. That is my strength. My heart. I love hard.

Now the dating world. I am in a different category of women now. The divorced and single mom kind of category. While I hate categorizing people I accept that culturally we like to place people in a box because it makes it easier to understand the person. When they break out of the box is when the phrases (you’ve changed…I don’t even know who you are anymore) come into play.

Needless to say…Many people will never look past divorced single mom. And by people I mean in dating. I promise I am going to come full circle here…

Maybe I put my guard up a bit more too because of it. Maybe I assume or judge back…Food for thought.

divorcing-lawyer-husband-california

Thoughts that run through the Single Moms head are:

Why would someone want to be with someone who has already been married?

Why would someone want to be with someone who already has kids?

I am not looking for a father for my kids. They have a fantastic one. BUT I am looking for a father-figure in a man. My children are young and someone has the opportunity to play a big role in their life.

It is all fun and games dating me but then what happens when they see me and my kids at our worst…when there are meltdowns and puking at 3am and homework and soccer games and me bawling because I feel like I am failing as their mom….All of this HAPPENS. It is not exclusive to single moms. It is the reality of kids.

What if I let someone into their lives and they hurt my children. They aren’t invested so could up and leave and then it breaks my children’s hearts not just mine. And that is on ME and me alone. I have never introduced my kids to anyone. This is something sacred to me. The person that I introduce my kids to will be a very special person. Because they will get to be in my whole world. To see me raw, vulnerable, exposed and SEE every single crevasse of my open heart. The person who is LUCKY enough to know my children will have a heart so big and GENTLE and strong that he has room for us all in there…and when we push his heart grows larger so that we know we are safe and tighter so we feel the embrace.

Being divorced isn’t a title I like to parade around. But it is my reality. And it is a reality for SO MANY OTHER people! So I guess maybe I should talk about it more. Maybe it can help if I USE my voice instead of keeping it on my nightstand waiting for an agent and publisher. I think my story is sick of being on the nightstand…And my voice needs to roar in its entirety.

There are fears, tears and hope that you can’t explain to anyone except those that have walked your path. So it is time to talk…the more we talk and expose the more vulnerable we become. The more we invite others to be vulnerable. The more connecting on a REAL level we have. The more LOVE is passed around.

Does divorce make me unlovable to future “potential lovers”…I don’t know. Maybe it is a story I have created in my head. It is likely an unrealistic fear based on past experiences of feeling “unlovable”.

I am going to say the cliche statement here but if you are in the same boat I think we all need to hear it…and repeat it…and remember it.

The right person won’t care. They will see YOU. Your heart. Your life. ALL you have to offer. And will accept every flaw and story of your life.

I am SO not naive in thinking MOST men would rather date or “pick” someone with no stories to tell of divorce and children’s school days.

BUT

I also think it weeds through a bunch of people…In the end…It is only the strongest, bravest, gentlest and biggest hearted people that will enter your life. And one of them will stay. The one who embodies those traits whole-heartedly. And wouldn’t you rather have THAT person in your life then someone without the capacity to be THAT strong, brave and gentle??? It can be looked at as a negative thing but I say SPIN that around and see that you are going to be lucky enough to find only the largest hearts. And you will.

Live your life and create the life you envision. Do EVERYthing you want to do. Date yourself. Make your life as rich in experiences and people as possible. Play with your children and make them your top priority.

Keep your heart open to love but not on hold for love.

LOVE is everywhere. In friendships. In family. In experiences. In God. In the stars. In the Universe.

My best friend always tells me

Love will find you. You don’t need to chase it.

That has always stayed with me. And maybe she saved me a million mindless first or blind dates with that statement…haha! But I BELIEVE her. And you should too!

BE LOVE.

And love will always find you.

And it will embrace ALL OF YOU. Every messy part. Every beautiful part. All the stories. All the pain. All the pleasure.

Love is safe. Love is gentle. Love is LIFE.

LOVE and all is coming.

 

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9 comments

  1. Julie says:

    The last part of this post got me thinking of how true the saying, “What is for you shall not psd you by” is. Love won’t pass you by. There isn’t a limit on love. Even if you’ve been in it before, are surrounded by it now, there is no limit. There’s always room for more. The universe is abundant and more love is coming to us all (divorced, married, never married)! Sending some to you right now!

  2. Lindsay says:

    I’m not divorced. I’ve never been married. But the “good enough” idea is so potent in this post; I felt it when you mentioned the idea of being “unlovable.” It’s something that resonates with all of us, and I think you opening up about it reaches those of us, like me, who struggle with finding themselves and loving themselves before they let anyone else love them. Thanks for this post! <3

    • I spent MANY years being unlovable…It wasn’t even an option, it was my reality. Coming out on the other side was a battle that I still have triggers and relapse but when you learn to love yourself you realize you always have LOVE. Thanks for the comment sweetie!

  3. mark says:

    “Be love and be LOVED.” that’s what I started to say about a year ago and I’ve seen it work. you’re on the right path. stay there.

  4. Meeghan says:

    Wow. Um, you’re amazing…this could be my life, just add 1 more child! Love that I found you on instagram and now see a few more parallels! Thanks for putting into words all that I have been experiencing since my own divorce 4 years ago next week! No need for swiping, match, whatever– I also believe the right love will show itself if you’re open and not on hold for it (of course, while we swim, bike and run!) 1st sprint June 5…wooooot!

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