I have so many thoughts swirling in my head this early morning so I find this is usually the best place to release them…although I have to stay a little cryptic here I will do my best to relay where my head is at these days….
I am a highly social extroverted person. However, I feel like with age and life experience I have embraced my inner introvert and find myself retreating to routine, my children and the solace of quiet early mornings with just my laptop and my thoughts after I have a highly social experience. My BFF and I had a coffee date this week and she simply makes my life complete. At one point she said, I feel like you are holding something back but I just smiled because in reality I am feeling a peace that I haven’t felt for a long time. There was definitely a distinct difference in how I was feeling but I was more in tune than before and have a calm presence.
I just got back from NYC and I know the moment this all flipped for me. I spent the weekend with one of my best friends and also a special group of friends that I hold near and dear to me. It was a pretty wild weekend at moments (summon tequila shots and a phone full of video/picture proof) and yet there was a lot of stillness, dancing and singing with my girl in our underwear in the early mornings and lots of laughter, smiles, marathon vibes and reunions. There was a build up to the Monday I left…I was walking through Central Park to meet a special girlfriend for coffee and cookies and I started crying. I don’t know why other than I just needed to. I was happy and content. Feeling PEACE. For some reason the word Beginnings kept coming to my mind. I was sobbing as I walked by the NYC Marathon finish line and all the runners scattered around probably thought I was nuts. But I didn’t care. I tried to pull myself together as I turned onto the Upper West Side streets and pulled out my phone to make sure my mascara wasn’t smeared too badly before meeting my friend. I walked up and we hugged and as we walked to grab our cookies she said, I may cry today. I laughed, smiled and fought back my tears as I simply said “Me too”. It’s hard to explain the relief you feel when you know you can show up just as you are with someone … messy and beautiful and raw and just REAL life.
What happened next is for us alone. But somehow in a coffee shop on the Upper West Side of Manhattan two powerful women were able to break down walls and barriers and simply BE. Be seen. Be heard. Be felt. With the craziness of the world outside the window, it was a time of solace and growth.
Do you ever feel like you are “on the verge”?
That is my current place in life.
This year has been an insane ride. The past month has been full of some massive lows and highs. But in a moment after I left my friend at the coffee shop…I was once again walking through Central Park. I found a quiet bench and put on a song called “Beginnings”. I had no more tears to cry so I sat in peace. Empty. But empty in a good way. Like a massive release. And then the light came flowing in. I have these moments with my meditations, not daily and not even monthly, but when that light hits…I remember why I have created the habit for meditation. For these experiences. When spirit transcends body and lightness enraptures spirit. The peace I felt was powerful and real. I knew life was starting a “Beginning”. On the verge of something…something I don’t know or even care to know because that is the wonder and beauty of living. But a Beginning was happening. I trust in the beauty of Beginnings. I know that hour that I sat on the park bench was preparing me for what is to come. I can’t help but live in wonder of what it all meant or wonder what direction life is about to shift. I do believe it will be positive and beautiful. The storm is always proceeded by a rainbow. I think it is time for the rainbow…I wonder what it will look like or feel like. All we can really do is live in wonder in the end.
I’m thankful for the humans in my life. The real deal, raw relationships I have made. Some that have been around for years and others months. I’ve never believed so fully the theory that when it is time for souls to meet, not heaven or earth can stop them from colliding. I know I am a romantic but I know this to be true. That isn’t only on a romance level either. I believe soul mates can be friendships as well. In the end…I guess we never truly know what is around the corner and that is why we keep showing up. Even on the darkest of days. Today or even tomorrow may be the rainbow you are seeking…the new beginning…isn’t life amazing that we can have as many new beginnings as we want? I can speak that from real experience. I know that to be true.