Sometimes I just need to write. Writing is a HUGE creative passion of mine. I once read you need 3 hobbies. One to keep you fit. One to keep you creative. One to make you money. Triathlon/Running are my “fit”. Writing is my “creative”. Yoga/Meditation/Reiki is my “money”. And although I hope to intertwine all of these one day and I have a few really special things in the works these are the three themes for my life. They also coincide with my Physical, Spiritual and Mental Health and Balance. And are very deep rooted. With a world that I feel is constantly changing before my eyes and people who are coming and going … These are my constant and what I always go back to. My three “things”. I have many other things such as sunrises, climbing mountains, travel, coffee, music, poetry, reading, weight lifting, animals, ect. But those are the three things that are most definitive in my life. Writing. Yoga. Triathlon/Running.
I’ve had some very unique experiences this last year and a few really crazy ones, including one that truly test my limits to the core just a few weeks ago on a mountain in California. I’ve been meditating a lot on life, love and my place in this world. I have had highs and lows. I feel deeply and intensely. It is who I am and I have grown to love and appreciate this about myself. I have learned some amazing lessons over the past year from these experiences…ones I will carry with me forever and I find a Universal Truth too in a lot of us humans …
I’ve lost people and a life that I thought I was going to have. I lost someone I loved more than anything. This loss I took with grace but not before I learned something. I was begging someone to love me. I was begging someone to choose me. I was begging a man to be mine and create a life with me. I cried. I pleaded. When he didn’t want me, my heart, my children and what I had to offer … he walked away. He was embarrassed of me and to be with me in the eyes of his world and it caused too much turmoil. I had to let him go. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I had to learn to walk again. I knew how to teach myself to walk. It starts with a crawl. And day by day I got stronger. More resolved. And fell more in love with what I have to offer. I learned a powerful lesson through this experience and that is that I will never beg someone to stay in my life again. Ever. I don’t open my door to many. I don’t offer my heart to many. But when I do again and to those who are already in … I won’t beg to stay. I know I am worthy of so much more than that. I knew it before too. I just lost sight of it. Sometimes this happens. We lose sight of our worth. And I’ve learned that is the messy part of a beautiful life. The ebbs and flows. It is NEVER a sign of weakness to feel the lows of life and lose sight…It is simply LIFE. Sometimes we are warriors and sometimes we are curled up on our bathroom floor crying alone in the dark. What defines us is not how many times we lose ourselves, fall down, get rejected, get our heart broken … but how many time we find the strength within to bloom again. To bloom brighter and stronger than the previous us. Some people say change is scary … But I look at growth and change as a way to find our deepest potential and see just how powerful our hearts really are. I chose love and grace with this parting and person and that is what made the difference in my own life. There is nothing but an innocent love that remains in my heart. Mercy. Compassion. Forgiveness. Tenderness. Those are the real signs of strength in a human. And yet they are the hardest to master.
I’ve been watching people and watching interactions. I have closed my circle even tighter than it was before. I literally wrote out a list of people I wanted to spend my time and energy on. Who MATTERED to me. What relationships I wanted to foster. And those are the people I have focused my life on. Those are the people who get my precious energy. They are the ones who get my smiles and tears first and foremost. They are my people. This simple exercise has changed my life. I see clearly Loyalty. Love. Life. My relationships have bloomed to entirely new levels when I started giving all my attention to the ones that are my forever. I am VERY social by nature and an extreme extrovert. However, I would rather a few friends to be with and talk to that have depth and meaning than 25 people I could go to dinner with once a month.
Loyalty is a funny word. We all want it but hesitate to give it back. I am a girl’s girl to the bone. And the women I give my loyalty to, I would choose them over anyone else, any time, any day. As long as I feel it is reciprocated. But I feel this is a hard trait to have in this digital age. Social media creates this illusion that we have to “like” everyone and be “friends” with everyone. We have to comment to strangers. In a world where trust and loyalty are becoming a rarity, I find it odd that people would choose strangers on social media that could delete them tomorrow and never give them another thought, over someone who is REAL life and would move mountains for them. Have your tribe’s back. To the end of time. To the ends of the earth. It will pay great dividends in the form of a lifelong, REAL friendship and bond that can’t be broke.
I recently spent some time with some people who have been in the same phase of life I have been in. We talked a lot about dating, social media in the dating world and our insane stories. We talked about how so many have such little regard for their marriages and relationships. SO many people want to appear single even if they are in a marriage. They exchanged and send direct messages all.the.time. with single people of the opposite sex. Now having friends of the opposite sex is one thing, but there is a phenomenon going on that people are so thirsty for other’s people’s approval, compliments and lust outside of their companion, partner and spouses. I have talked to people recently who have had private direct messages with people that they had NO idea were married. People are SO consumed with attention they would rather appear single for the fear of losing followers and compliments. It’s pretty mind blowing the stories that are floating around but yet it is the world we live in now. I think we could all benefit from having a little more mutual respect for our relationships and marriages.
I’ve lost. Someone I thought I would have forever. Who played a massively pivotal role in my life. Sometimes girlfriends aren’t as real as they seem. They claim love and loyalty but at the drop of a hat will flip on you. I have watched someone who I used to respect show their true colors. In one breath belittle someone to their core…who they are, their goals and dreams and even sexuality … In the next breath kiss their ass over social media to look like they are supportive and gain popularity. I sit back and observe and watch how people can be so incredible two-faced. It truly does baffle my mind but it is very common in an age that we can sit behind a screen and say anything easily and without repercussion. BUT I have also learned a lesson in this … Be careful who you allow into your circle. Who you chose to share with. Because most people don’t really CARE … They are just CURIOUS.
I’ve learned a big difference in being alone and lonely. Alone I am very comfortable with. Lonely is interesting. It is a more fleeting experience. What I have realized is that lonely for me appears when I realize that nobody knows me. Like REALLY knows me. All of me. It makes me take a long hard look at myself and ask myself “who am I” and “do I like me”. Sure I have insanely amazing friends. They all know pieces of me. One may know my spirit but not me as a sexual creature. One may know me as an athlete but not my deep spirituality. Most of all, people may know and love me but nobody knows my most intimate life…me as a mother. The most important part of my life, I do alone. Even the one human that knew me inside and out most recently and that I loved beyond measure … only knew me. Not the mom. I think I have closed that up. It is the hardest part of my life to penetrate into. I don’t share that world with anyone. And maybe that makes it more lonely in those fleeting moments but it also protects me and my children. On those days that I feel like I am just FAILING. Like bawling that I am just FAILING as a woman and mother and I have simply FAILED my children … I am alone. Maybe it is fear that nobody would REALLY want all of me or want to be part of it. Maybe it is because I am used to being on my own and fighting my own battles. Maybe I really don’t want anyone to know that intimate side of me because that is the ultimate vulnerability in my eyes. Maybe I don’t trust that someone would see ALL of me and still stick around, everyone bails …. so why the heartbreak. Maybe I push people away when they get close to that intimate side of me in hopes one day someone will stay standing and show up to catch me as I fall. Maybe I just don’t simply know. I am aware of this and this intense vulnerability of mine. Maybe some day it will change … Maybe some day it won’t.
I’ve been single for a really long time now. Since I have been divorced I have had one boyfriend. Although I feel that attachment took me a very long time to let go of, I have been single for two years. I have dated some. But very few. I lose interest fast and am not easily “woo’d”. I won’t settle for anything. I would rather live a life alone then settle for an ordinary life. I’ve built an incredible life. The way to my heart is complex and takes a bit of magic. I am not flattered by many compliments. I have been around the block. I have seen the patterns of too many men. They have interest and pursue hard. They tell me I’m beautiful and every other cliche statement without even knowing me. I admittedly put myself out there and often in very little clothes. I am an athlete and am in yoga clothes most of the time. That is my life. That is what I honestly wear and walk around in. I am very comfortable in my skin and with my sexuality as a woman. All things considered I have been treated with nothing but respect on social media outlets and for that I am grateful. I own it and couldn’t give one fuck what anyone thinks. After they realize flattery doesn’t work on me, they eventually lose interest and disappear. This is a very common pattern. And maybe why I am a bit cynical to dating. Not cynical enough to close me off to the opportunity of love, but just cynical enough to not give my time away frivolously for a free dinner or an easy fuck. I’ve had a handful of compliments from men that I will hold near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life. Ironically, most of the men who have said them I no longer speak with. BUT they at one point noticed something that nobody else had and it took me off-guard when they spoke. I never thought I would be single at 34. BUT this is my life. And just because I never thought it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it and love the life I have created. I am open to love, I believe in love BUT I won’t put my life on hold for it. It is going to take something magical to knock me off my feet … I know that exists. I have felt it once before. I am thankful for that experience because not many will ever get to feel that burning love at first sight. But it is real.
I have learned that it is ok to miss someone that isn’t in your life anymore. Maybe by their choice and maybe by yours. I think the only therapy for missing someone is time. Sometimes the missing will burn you to your bones and core. You will be overwhelmed with grief of wanting to pick up the phone. And sometimes you find yourself going days without a single thought. Maybe it is part of grieving. Just because someone is no longer in their life, maybe you don’t even want that person in your life, doesn’t mean it is wrong to miss them. I find this to be a universal truth from the people who share with me. It is funny though, how two people could go missing each other for a lifetime and yet never had the courage to speak up. The ego is powerful. But if the ego is let go … Love always wins.
Sometimes the truth is hard to write. Sometimes it is oversharing. Sometimes the truth is hard to own. Sometimes our stories are messy. Sometimes our stories are beautiful. Sometimes we just need to write our truth out. Sometimes we feel such anxiety to share that we know the only way to grow is to share. Sometimes there is nothing to gain and everything to lose from speaking the truth in our heart. Sometimes there is everything to gain and nothing to lose when we speak and own our entire story. The good. The bad. The messy.
I post SO many happy pictures and good training posts. I post about my children and the happiness. BUT I never EVER want to be the person that has the perfect life. Perfection is boring, FALSE and non-authentic. I own my story. My weakness and weak moments. I own my strength and successes. I own the heartbreak I have felt and the betrayals. I own the LOVE I have experienced and the intensely fun and loyal to the ends of the earth friendships and family I hold dear. I own it all. It is all a part of me. The highs and lows. I am a human. A beautiful messy human. A wild child of the earth, moon, stars and sea who likes to create her own art.
In the end … These quotes sum up my feelings right now.
“I don’t want to take anything to the grave. I want to die used up and emptied out. I don’t want to carry around anything that I don’t have to. I want to travel light.”
― Glennon Doyle Melton,
“If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.”
― Glennon Doyle Melton,
“Recognizing that people’s reactions don’t belong to you is the only sane way to create. If people enjoy what you’ve created, terrific. If people ignore what you’ve created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you’ve created, don’t sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you’ve created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest – as politely as you possibly can – that they go make their own fucking art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert,