I’m having a moment today. I’m admittedly tired so that doesn’t help the situation. Yesterday was absolutely beautiful. My son turned 7 and we had an extraordinary day celebrating him. His smiles filled my soul and at the very end of the night … When his brother was in bed and it was quiet, I asked him to come over to me on the couch. He crawled up and I helped him onto my lap. I curled up into him and we sat there. I remembered what it felt like the first time I held him and he was only a little 7 pound newborn. Now he was sprawling on me and chatting away about something as I just sat and nuzzled my face into his neck and smelled his hair and squeezed him tightly. I wanted a picture to capture the raw love I felt in that moment but I also know how fleeting these moments are so I closed my eyes and made a mental picture in my mind that I will take with me the rest of my life. Only me. Sometimes these pictures in our mind are the most sacred treasure on earth. Within minutes he was hungry and off but I felt filled as a mother.
These moments are vital to our survival as mothers when the days are long and harsh words fly from their innocent mouths. I like to think I have VERY respectful and good kids BUT they are also children and learning how to be respectful and kind. Those moments of such RAW peace and motherly love are what I live for. Truly. Nothing else.
The reason for the moment today after such a beautiful night is something I don’t share with a lot of people … Nothing weird or bad just doesn’t come up much and being single and especially a single mom, I don’t have time to “feel” and “dwell” in myself much, if at all … Or have anyone to talk or share my most intimate moments with so I just keep moving. Maybe why a meditation and yoga practice and this writing are so vital to my days. At least I can always talk to God. Even if I sometimes get mad at him and feel like he doesn’t talk back or help.
I get night terrors. I have since I was a little girl. Bad ones. The dreams are SO vivid and horrific that I can’t go into detail on the ones that have pierced my mind and spirit. I still have flashbacks and remember how it felt exactly to be in the “dream” but to me in the moment it was a reality. I have lived through things I can’t speak outloud in my dreams.
They got SO bad a few years ago that I had my Reiki Teacher come over and do a special session on me. It was fascinating and calming. I learned a lot of the root of my night terrors and then they went away for about a year.
Lately they have come back. When I least expect it. Not often, or nightly or even weekly or monthly. It is random.
Last night I had a horrific night terror. I believe when it finally gets so god awful my subconscious wakes me up because it simply can’t take anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night beyond terrified. I was frozen. My body literally wouldn’t move. I couldn’t open my eyes and yet I was awake. I was helpless and all I can think is I am the ONLY defense to my children and I can’t move. It was terrifying even after I woke up, maybe even more so because I felt so helpless and helpless as a mother and my children’s only protection. Now this may seem unreasonable but after the night terror and being frozen I was not in a good mental state.
I finally came to reality. I got out of bed shaking and wanting to curl up to someone to protect ME and comfort ME but let’s face it … My reality is I don’t have anyone, especially at night to be there for me.
I went downstairs and checked my security system, outside, the garage, basement, ect, ect, ect … If you are a parent in general you know this drill … Doors locked and the house checked out. Kids fast asleep and I’m praying having sweet dreams of rock climbing birthday parties and cake.
I climbed back into bed feeling alone. I rarely equate alone as a bad thing. I enjoy my own company and am an outgoing introvert. I like alone. Alone is different than lonely. I have felt both. I know the difference. Many people have someone next to them and are more alone and lonely than someone who is comfortable alone. But few will admit to it.
Anyways, that is something I could talk about for hours and maybe I will write about soon.
I climbed back into bed feeling alone. Alone. Ok….I know you. You are an emotion. Let’s chat…
Why do you feel alone?
Because I am and nobody is here and I am terrified and I want to cry and nobody is here to wipe my tears but hell … that is the story of my life. So OK alone … here we are and you suck and I don’t really want to feel you but I will embrace you right now.
Can you REALLY embrace me?
Yes … eye roll. But I am scared. Actually scared is a child on a ride at an amusement park. I was petrified. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t open my eyes and all I wanted to do was scream but I couldn’t speak. And I had nobody to turn to and say HOLD ME I am so fucking terrified. And I don’t necessarily want anyone in my bed next to me … Just in that moment I would have given my right arm for the embrace of another human. So yah … I can embrace you. But it doesn’t mean in THIS moment I want to.
What do you FEEL?
Simply alone. And it’s not a bad thing. Alone teaches character. I guess I will get stronger from this. I also hope it doesn’t harden me a little bit. Sometimes when we have to go through a lot of horrible shit alone it makes it harder to open up to other people after the fact. Because we know how to cope and heal. Or at least we learn to. Alone is simply alone. It doesn’t mean desperation for another person or thing. It means being one. And that is ok.
What do you want me to do?
Let’s just sit here. I don’t really want to talk to God right now. For now I don’t feel he can or would protect me. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Let’s just sit here.
Are you ready for me to leave?
Yah … I think I am. I got my crystals. I have my soft fuzzy blankets and pillows squeezed up next to my body to make me feel enraptured in warmth. I think I will just shut my eyes and breath now until I can sleep again. Thanks for the visit. Now begone … You have no Power here anymore.
And that is the conversation in my head. I feel fully my emotions. And then release them. I let myself be calm before I did last night. Last night was horrible and I woke up and bawled through my meditation this morning. Now I am writing this for God knows what effing reason other than I felt the urge to write this out. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will make me feel peace. Maybe it is just the release I need. Maybe I just needed to say this experience and since I don’t have anyone to talk to about it I decided to share it on here. Who knows. But I do feel a little lighter. Sometimes admitting the lows and highs out loud humanize us that much more. Everyone has struggles and moments of complete bliss. And they all look SO incredibly different. Being a human is fascinating. Being a human is a journey and adventure. Being a human is just SO human!
I’m just thankful the sun always rises. And with it … LIGHTNESS. Light and Love. Love and Light.
Some sunrises are more intimate to us than others. Today’s was a symbol that the dark of the night is over.