I was going to write this AM but I ran out of time! SOOOOOOOO, I was just finishing up some stuff and found myself with a sliver of time this afternoon and wanted to get all my thoughts out for the day …
Ok … Truth be told I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to convince myself to NOT do the post I am about to write.
I had a hard night.
There I said it.
Why does it sometimes feel so HARD to admit when we’ve had a hard time.
What will people think … OMG they will think you are “negative” and complaining.
It doesn’t match up with the picture perfect images of running through cities and sipping wine with friends and happy faces that we post every.single.day.
Well, guess what people.
I still feel those hesitations sometimes too. For me, it makes me feel unlovable a bit because who the hell wants to be there for someone during hard moments or days. I mean like REALLY be there. So I usually shut down just for the moment. I don’t tell anyone when I am going through things and then I just seem to pour my heart out on here the following day or to my real life friends and family…but never in the moment. I just don’t want to burden anyone if I am being honest.
Last night I encountered emotions that I hadn’t felt in a long time and I had to navigate around a few new ones as I was handling a situation with my little family. There were certain triggers that almost made me go numb but in the situation I didn’t have that luxury to focus on myself.
My child not knowingly asked for a different version of myself to appear. I don’t really know how to describe it. I wasn’t expecting to have to talk about the things we discussed and feel the feelings I felt. You parents know this for sure … Parenting is like rolling the dice and you have to be ON.YOUR.FUCKING.TOES. every moment because you don’t know what number or combo of numbers the dice will appear on. And it changes in a half second. And it hits you harder than others sometimes because you have to learn to expect the unexpected. As parents, we are raising HUMAN beings. Not just children. Humans with emotions and fears and excitement. With their own feelings and thoughts. It is absolutely the most rewarding feeling helping them navigate through their beautiful and growing minds. Watching them experience LIFE and all the emotions that come with it.
It is also exhausting.
Because we are constantly being asked to be a better version of ourself. To find more empathy, patience and love. Our heart is pulled and ripped from our bodies when we see them hurt or cry or feel shame. It is almost too much to bear sometimes and yet we bear it. With a smile and gentle hand. Because we love them. We stand in strength so they have a soft place to land. At any moment. We are their gentle. We are their rock.
I gave my ALL last night.
And after songs, back tickles, meditation, their “magic good dream potion”, extra hugs and kisses I walked out of their room and shut the door behind me.
I wanted to cry but I couldn’t feel. I wanted to lay down but my heart was racing. I wanted to sleep but my head was spinning.
I may not ever have a ton to offer my kids or anyone for that matter but what I have to offer is a big freaking fat heart and more love than the all the universes and stars and moons combined. Loving fiercely is my super power. Loving loyally and whole heartedly is my super hero strength in a society I don’t feel places much value on that anymore.
Being a mom means we officially don’t own our own heart anymore. I am so thankful to be a mom. Even a single mom. Every single thing that has happened in my life has brought me to THIS day and THIS moment and I wouldn’t change a single thing. I felt like I understood on a deeper level last night why I have had to endure some of the hard times I went through … and a lot is the teaching moments. What I learned. And the incredible opportunity I have to share this knowledge with my children.
I felt numb last night for a good long time. I just didn’t want to process anything. It took until I was with my close friends at the gym, smiling and laughing. Sharing. Feeling accepted and loved. That I started to process. And frankly until I started writing this I wasn’t processing really …
You guys … Parenting is sometimes REALLY freaking hard. I will say it and I refuse to feel shame for saying what my truth is. I can actually visualize any parent reading this shaking their head YES … It really is isn’t it. It is SO beautiful but it is challenging. And I am not talking about just dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. I am talking about knowing and having faith that you are telling and teaching your children the things THEY need to know. Guiding them. There really is no right or wrong I guess. I would imagine we all are trying our VERY best. It is just a difficult feeling when you want to give MORE than your best but at some point we have to sit with our best being enough.
This weekend I said I was thankful for everything I learned during my lowest moments to someone. They asked … what did you learn. Without a breath I said forgiveness. TRUE forgiveness.
Extending this deeper, forgiveness for ourselves and mercy to ourselves is vital to thrive in this life. There is enough shame, guilt, fear and harsh words around every corner for us to not show OURSELVES the grace and freedom of forgiveness. Every single day. We should go to bed knowing we gave it our all and our all each day is going to look different. Very different. And that is OK. If we can’t be gentle with ourselves how do expect to feel another’s gentleness when it is extended toward us.
One thing that has always stuck with me was that we need to talk to ourselves the way we want to be talked to. Whether outloud or written. Literally TALK to ourselves and write to ourself. This was said in the context that then when you meet someone who talks to you in the same manner, you will know you found your “human” … your partner … your soulmate … your lover … your person … whatever you want to call it. Because their voice and kindness will reach your spirit. Now if you have a partner maybe sharing this “talk” you have with yourself could give them insight to how to better reach your heart. If we can show ourselves love, forgiveness, tenderness and be gentle … we will be able to receive it or recognize it when it comes your way. Your spirit will know and feel peace.
I don’t even know the point of this post … Shocker … When do I ever. I guess to sum up, life is interesting! Finding peace in your soul is something you can do every day. You just need to find the outlet that works for you. Mine is meditation, writing, fitness and yoga. That brings me peace even on the days that make your head spin and you can’t seem to stop the ride.
What is your peace?
What is your outlet?
Love you guys! Thank you for allowing me the space to ramble and rant and just release my thoughts.