I have had the most crazy writers block this last week. Like more so than ever before. Until this very second.
I set the intention this year that I was going to meditate, journal and CREATE every single day. I have. It doesn’t always look the same or formalized but every single day this year I have meditated, journaled and CREATED something. I have always done the above … I just wanted to make it a daily practice. And I will say, it has changed my life.
(Photo by http://www.npphoto.us )
My yoga partner Jess and I have been working on some really amazing projects this year. We will be launching them this summer and will be bringing a collaboration of all our knowledge on meditation as a daily practice and yoga as a supplement to the world through different channels.
I have been meditating for YEARS … and studied Meditation specifically when I lived in an Ashram getting my certification to teach. I am a dedicated student of meditation. I was just as dedicated when I belonged to the Mormon religion as I am now with zero religious base. Meditation is not defined by religious or spiritual. It is for everyone and can be personalized to anything that fits your beliefs and values. Some call it prayer. Some call it breathing. Some call it sitting. I just meditate. Pure and simple. No stings attached and I don’t label it.
I have been CONSISTENTLY meditating daily since Jan 1, 2016. For the past 30-40 days I have been doing a specific meditation Jess referred me to. It incorporates a song and mantra. This is the one I have been using:
Aad Such Jugaad Such Hai Bhee Such
The focus of this mantra is to help remove blocks when you get stuck and help get you moving.
Now suppose something you want to move and it’s not moving. There is a block and it’s not movable…..then chant this mantra. It’s a lever. It is the biggest lever available to you as a mantra. –Yogi Bhajan
True in the beginning, true throughout the ages, true even now, truth shall ever be.
Aad Such – True in the Primal Beginning
Jugaad Such – True throughout the Ages
Hai Bhee Such – True Here and Now
Hosee Bhee Such – Forever shall be True.
This mantra is part of a separate one: The Mul Mantra
The Mul Mantra translates as the root mantra from which a spiritual foundation is built.
Yogi Bhajan says on chanting the Mul Mantra
“The Mul Mantra is a fate killer. It removes the fate and changes the destiny to complete prosperity.”
This mantra has so much to do with TRUTH. Removing obstacles. Changing destiny. It is powerful and beautiful.
I had my breakthrough today. I have felt VERY stuck this week. Mind you it may have to do with the fact I was up for 40 hours straight this past weekend and I am way to fucking old to be doing that!!! I can’t bounce back like I used to. It will probably be the last time I ever pull an all-nighter, that is for sure!
I put the song on and suddenly began to cry. It was beautiful. It was a transcendent moment for me. I felt chills up and down my entire body. My mind was clear. Even with my eyes closed my vision was keen. My body was pulsating and the tears were just flowing from my eyes and down my face as I sat and soaked in the goodness.
I blurted out I love you God. And then I stopped for a second and thought what did I just say?
And it just coming to me. I love you God. I love you God. Now….this may not seem revolutionary or crazy or maybe it sounds bat shit crazy and you think because I have now written two posts in a week about God I am turning into one of those people who all they do is talk about God (I promise just NO on that one…)…BUT…It’s all good…I thought ALL those thoughts about myself too so we can just laugh and feel them together!
Anyways…back to my moment…I have had a rocky relationship with God (as you know if you have been following me) and this was the first time in a bazillion years I acknowledged that I loved God. I know God loves me but I think I was too scared to love him. Because he always FREAKING lets me down and I blame God for everything because well…I am human and us humans like to have someone to blame. So God takes the brunt of my discouragement.
But I felt love today. For God. Like the crazy God that I have been on this wild ride with…I said through the highs and the lows I still love him. I just did. It was honestly that simple. Complete innocent and childlike simplicity. But it was a breakthrough and I didn’t even know I was going to have that breakthrough this morning.
I sat there and didn’t want it to end so I sat longer.
I am single and although I refuse to seek out, swipe right and left, chase down love from a man or even boldly pursue a man (I am old fashioned…Haha!) … I still believe in it and want it dearly in my life when the timing and person is right. I just don’t focus my life on it. Love and all is coming. It was an odd feeling though being able to say I love you God and I know you love me. Like both of those sentences together. Somehow it gave me such intense peace and was a massive barrier I needed to overcome. Although, I didn’t know I needed to overcome. To love someone (besides my children) unconditionally. Say it. And know no matter how much I push and swear at and say I hate you out of fear, anger and pain…they will love me back and even fiercer in those emotions. And that even in those intense moments, I never stopped loving as well. Love. I think I had a big breakthrough on love this morning. Maybe I learned a little more of what true love feels like…
(Photo by http://www.npphoto.us )
I know in the bottom of my heart I wouldn’t have been at this place, right now, writing this blog if I hadn’t committed myself to my daily meditation practice. Which I will be real, is 99% of the time not THIS powerful. And somedays I want to sleep through it. My mind is more worried about breakfast than mantra. But I SHOW UP each and every day. With the HOPE that consistency and the training will lead me to these moments. Where I learn and grow beyond my wildest dreams.
Finding stillness and connecting with your breath daily will CHANGE YOUR WORLD.
This I absolutely promise you and know for sure!
I don’t believe it is ironic I had this experience today. Tomorrow I leave for almost a month.
My children will be with their Dad on summer break. This time is hard for me. It is one of two long stints I go without them each year. It sucks frankly. Like a weekend is nice because I can catch up on life and such but longer than weeks is hard. I am feeling especially anxious this time because when I was gone earlier in the year, my oldest had a bike crash and I wasn’t there for him. That moment was one of the lowest of my entire life and I still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness as I cried hysterically. I am terrified of being away from them. I feel sick to my stomach. But I also know this is my life now. This is the situation. And that was a freak accident. So when I leave my trauma mind and give up my control I know they will 99% be ok and will be having a blast with their grandparents and cousins and dad. They have a phenomenal father and extended family that would do ANYthing for them.
Meanwhile, I am leaving. I don’t like to be at home alone without my kids. It is weird. I don’t know how to explain it besides that.
So I booked a little adventure and leave tomorrow. I am traveling solo because that is just how I roll. I will have a lot of time to just BE. In a very beautiful and spiritual location.
I believe this breakthrough happened today to set me up for tomorrow. There were so many incidences that led to me going to this place. At this time. Under these circumstances. I can’t help but feel it is fate. And I am going with more love in my heart than I have felt in years. I have purpose and a keen perspective. I am ready.
Life is for LIVING and I intend on doing just that. I want to go on adventures and live fully. I want to experience everything and meet everyone. I want to spread love and feel love. Life is short and the world really is small.
My superpower is LOVE.
And it grew in force 100x this morning.
I don’t know exactly what life is going to bring me. In fact my life is more uncertain than certain. But I do know it will be full of love and adventure. Day to Day in the small moments and in the Grand ones as well.
That is what I know for sure.