God is an interesting topic. It provokes extreme comfort and discomfort. It induces rage and hope. How can a simple word make us FEEL so intensely?
I have had a unique relationship with God as we all have. I actually wouldn’t say the word God for many years because the religion I attended used a different terminology, Heavenly Father. Which is beautiful. All the ways to say God are beautiful and majestic and magical from my perspective. It was when I decided I was done with God that I looked to the Heaven and said, “God” for the first time.
“God…whoever or whatever you are … I am DONE.” And I turned away.
It wasn’t until many months later after wrestling with myself and “God”, who I was done with, that a dear friend at the time told me to not throw my middle finger up at God just yet. I smiled and laughed. Ok…Fine. For you I will hold the middle finger down for just a bit longer. This friend was raised a devout Catholic turned Mormon who has a fierce faith in God although seeing life and death daily as a doctor. Her faith carried me just a few more days. Because I was only giving God a few more days at that point. Then the middle finger was coming out!
For just today…I will spare the long story of how I became friends with God again. Another place and time I promise.
Flash Forward to today:
I’ve been talking to God again lately. Like a lot. I do it in various ways these days. I pray in my bed. I meditate with my crystals. I sing. I dance. I swear. I cry hysterically. I laugh. We have a dynamic relationship now where God just listens to me in all my imperfect ways of trying to communicate. It works for us. And my faith may be limited and I may not be religious BUT I do know a few things for sure and one of those things is:
God LOVES and accepts me just as I am.
It took me 30 years to reach that conclusion but it is rock solid. Even when I am angry at God or happy…God doesn’t care…God knows that I know I am loved. Perfectly.
I have had some recent struggles, heartbreak and a lot of good times mixed in. A lot of it has to do with me. See here is a HUGE secret I am going to let you in on…
I am a control freak.
Yup. I admit it publicly. I like to have everything in order and controlled and a PLAN and my household running correctly and my life in my control. Anyone relate? Haha!
The funny part is the paradox of being a control freak. I recently travelled to Rome and the only thing planned was where I was staying. I just showed up in a foreign country and knew I would figure out how to get around and where to visit and what to eat when I got there. I am a wanderer and a free spirit but at the same time a massive control freak. It makes no sense. But the consistency is the predictable paradox.
Anyone who has children knows that control freak and children don’t mix hand in hand. It just doesn’t There really is no discussion here because I had to let go all control week three after my oldest was born and was his own little human and I would either drive myself mad trying to control or learn to go with the flow. I chose to flow with parenthood. Although, I do run a tight ship at my house because when you parent alone…it is like your head is a constant circus of thoughts and what needs done…where…who…how…and shit, we aren’t wearing socks and underwear again…Well, at least we have pants and shoes and everyone is fed and loved! I am sure that doesn’t happen at your house right? 😉
I have terribly digressed. Back to God and control.
I finally realized something…
I have been trying to control my life pretty harshly for the past nine months. The funny part of that is that I learned not that long ago that I really don’t have too much control over life. I guess I am just a slow learner because slowly I slipped back into trying to control my own destiny! I am not saying that we can’t control a lot. We can. Like what we do daily to reach our goals, what we say, what we think, how we treat people, our daily routine.
What I have learned and know for sure is that we CAN do the little things…
But then we have to turn it over to God. Or whatever higher power or energy force you believe in.
Lately I have been pushing MY agenda so hard that I have given little space for the miracles of God to come into play. I realized through meditation that my heart was being closed off to the MAGIC. I believe in the MAGIC. The magic of timing and miracles and paths crossing and stars aligning. I have seen this play out so fiercely in my life…and yet for a time I was trying to force them. Again…
It is like this…have you ever gone shopping for THE outfit and you can’t find it. It literally doesn’t exist because you NEED it TODAY! Nothing fits right or is too tight or short or long or the wrong fucking color!
But then…you have two kids running wildly next to you as you stroll through Target and you look over and are like THAT is the SHIRT. Or you go to buy a lipstick and look over and find THE dress. It usually happens when we least expect it.
That is how God and miracles work. When we least expect it.
We can’t force our own agenda. We can’t force timing or stars aligning.
So coming full circle…I have once again chosen to
LET GO AND LET GOD
I have surrendered. I fought a valiant fight to make my life happen MY way but in the end…I can only do what I can do. Sometimes it takes rock bottom or a sleepless night or a long cry or anything else to shake you to get you to surrender. And maybe you are rockstar at this and I am just a terribly slow learner but I am ok being a learner…of life.
That is my mantra of the week my friends. I envision the tiny light expanding in my heart and my life. Beautiful moments happen when we surrender.
Surrender doesn’t mean give up. It is NOT negative. In fact surrender is the most courageous act. It implies…I can do most everything but not everything. So God…will you take the wheel now and point my life in the right direction. Surrender says…I will continue to fight every.single.day. but I need a little help. I can’t do this alone. Nobody can. And that is OK. Surrender says…I don’t know what will happen now, but I trust it will magnificent.
As I drove my son to school today I hit every.single.RED.light. At first I got annoyed. Because being able to control traffic lights is totally attainable so something to get annoyed over right??? So as I sat at red light after red light and red FREAKING light…I started to realize that I don’t have control over the lights…But I have control over myself. And I was going to put on a happy song and smile. Just smile. Because yes…as I was trying to get to my destination in the timeframe I wanted and the streets and path I wanted…I kept hitting red lights.
Here is the thing with red lights…They always turn green. Always. You can have faith in that. And the ones that are broken and don’t…well there are ways that we eventually move forward even if it takes a little more time.
Just like my control with God…I pushed and pushed my timeframe and my path…only to hit every single RED light. When I realize I don’t actually have control and TRUST that eventually the lights will turn green is when the MAGIC happens. God always gives us green lights. Eventually. It is about HOPE.
So that is where I am today. Embracing the fact that I have been bombarded with RED lights and now surrendering to soon see the GREEN lights.
The reason I can have faith and hope is past experience. The lights always turn green and God always shows up. It is that simple.
Now just to remind myself of that daily as I practice this SURRENDER concept a little more consistently.
Life is for LIVING and growing. It is perfectly imperfect. And every day…simply a Beautiful Mess.
Do YOU find surrender hard? Or does it come naturally?
How can you LET GO LET GOD a little more in your own life?