I woke up smiling today.
My morning meditation I smiled through.
As I sat in silence after my mantra I pondered on an instance I had recently.
You see I walked away from a religion I was born and raised in about 4 years ago this fall. Maybe you have too and can relate to the transitions this presents. In doing so I walked away from God. I was fiercely angry at him, felt betrayed and like if he was REALLY that powerful he wouldn’t let down children by allowing them to be abused in all senses of the word. I thought how the fuck can you keep me from heaven for drinking a latte when you allow young girls to be sold into sex slavery and young boys to become soldiers and kill. That was my tipping point. So I walked away.
I have found God. Again. But this time as a Woman and not a child. It wasn’t easy. But through experience and meditation I discovered these simple truths.
God is real.
God knows who I am.
God loves me.
God is within me.
I have separate theories on God and the Universal energies but I’ll spare you those for now.
That is it. Years of doctrination and that is the conclusion I have come to in 4 years of spiritual practice. Childlike right? Simple yes. Humble…very.
Now, the reason I have this topic on my mind was I recently got really pissed off at God. I felt let down and the triggers were so intense it brought me back to that place where I blamed him and even this time threatened I would walk away again. I bawled. I pleaded. And then I said I was done and I hated him.
The irony is, very close before this transpired both my children got very mad at me. They pretty much thought I had ruined their lives because of something silly to me with their toys BUT it was their world and their truth even as young children. They quit the project we worked on and walked off crying. They both came back minutes later and said sorry for freaking the fuck out (they didn’t say fuck but if you haven’t noticed I just like to use that “enhancer word”). I obviously took them back with open arms and we all cried together and said how much we love each other.
Now I see the parallel to my conversations with God. So back to when I said I was done (for like the millionth time) and walked away I think God took me serious and sent me a small miracle. Something to make ME smile. I was broken down to a low moment. One of the lowest where I felt no self worth because nobody in my life ever “chooses me”…mostly related to the men in my life and even though I now wake up and chose myself each and every day, I still have triggers that break me down and make me feel that dreaded word “worthless” because of the actions of every man I have been close to. I was sad. I felt vulnerable. Even now I feel intensely vulnerable admitting my weak spots and exposing myself.
Now God doesn’t always answer like this but in this moment he sent me a smile. On my face. And I realized the triggers and emotions I were feeling was simply a big indicator of the direction of my life NEEDED to go. I sheepishly started talking to God again just as my children did to me and simply said Sorry big man. I kind of lost my shit. I know you get it because I know for sure you know me. One of my “God truths” from above. We made up and went about our day. I was smiling.
God just gets that I’ll probably always freak out at him throughout life. I like my relationship now with him more than ever because I SHOW UP as ME. Completely me. And I don’t hold back. And I feel like this has made all the difference. I talk like ME. I feel excited and anger and joy and sadness like me. I am simply me. And God loves ME.
Why I share this…I don’t know. God makes people all squirmy and uncomfortable. I get why. But with open minds and hearts I think it’s OK to and we SHOULD share our spirituality. Whether you believe in God or Jesus or are an atheist or if you worship a rock. It is all beautiful. And OK. We are spiritual creatures by nature. And being vulnerable to share that side bonds and connects us. And in the end connection and love is all that matters.
All photos taken by http://www.npphoto.us