Wow guys…I had no idea my “break” would have been this long. I knew going to Bali I would have very spotty wifi and when I touched my feet on the earth in Indonesia I knew in my heart I needed to just unplug and BE. So I did. And it was glorious. I checked in on my kids and their dad sent me pictures from their summer vacation together, I checked in with my mom so she knew her solo adventurer was alive and that was about it besides a few friends checking in as well. No snap chatting waterfalls, no instagraming my food, no tweeting about the sunset and monkey stealing my sunglasses and no facebooking about my trek up a volcano in the middle of the night. Now to be fair…I did post a handful of pictures in the early mornings before meditation and my breakfast throughout my stay but I logged off almost as quick as I logged in. I listened to nature instead of music and colored instead of scrolled in my spare time. For someone who has been very active on social media for the past few years it was nice to make memories that were ONLY mine. For my eyes only. Yes I took pictures and videos and will continue to share them and I have a bazillion things to talk about with this Bali adventure…so in time I will take you along on my journey.
I imagined coming home and heading to Boise to sweep my boys up in my arms. I was going to blog, vlog and get moving on some big projects I have been working on. I was planning on training for a Half Ironman that I had in the back of my mind, Muncie 70.3, while I was here. I had plans with friends and it was going to be a time to enjoy my parents, children, training, friends and get a TON of work done.
Yah….If we all know anything about life it is this…
Life doesn’t usually…or EVER for that freaking matter…Go as planned.
The night before I left Bali I woke up sweating and shivering. I didn’t think anything of it, took a couple advil and went back to bed. The next day, my last day, I ate breakfast as usual, rode my bike down to the beach and along the ocean path…I went to yoga….Went to lunch with my friend I met in Bali to say good-bye and then rode home just soaking in every last ounce of sun, sea, sand, views, children playing on my road and the crazy roadways where I am just thankful I didn’t get hit and die on my bike!!!!
I walked into my room at my villa and it hit me. Like a bazillion ton of bricks. I was sick. Holy shit I was SO sick. I laid on my bed and tried to rest for an hour but knew I had to pack and head to the airport soon. I managed to get myself out the door and to the airport but I knew I was in for it. Waiting in lines I was carrying all my bags (I only ever travel with a backpack!) but it was heavy and I felt lightheaded and insanely nauseous. I made it to my flight and braced myself for my 9 hours to Doha. Aka…9 hours from hell.
I managed to sleep some but felt horrid. Fever, flu, body aches…I cried so many times that flight. When I arrived in Doha I knew there was a hotel in the airport so I headed straight there and checked in for my 8 hour layover. It was a ridiculous price to pay but I couldn’t resist laying flat in a bed versus on a hard floor in the airport.
The flight from Doha to Chicago was 13 hours and I have literally blocked most of it out. My fever was raging and my body was revolting against me. At one point I honest to god wanted to just sprawl out on the airplane bathroom floor and stay there the rest of the flight. Since I had some degree of sanity in me I didn’t but I was so low it crossed my mind. I cried to the flight attendants about 15 times and the sweet girls fed me spoonfuls of yogurt so I could take some medicine, kept checking my temperature, rubbed my back, and gave me all the juice I could intake…which always resulted in me wanting to lay on the airplane bathroom floor again. Ha! I don’t even care if this is all TMI because it is my reality and I’m not sugar coating it!!
Landing in Chicago they wanted to me take a wheelchair but I was hellbent on just getting out of there and home. I almost puked all over everyone in immigration and customs but lucky for them my stomach was legit empty. I made it outside and my angel and bestie Bob Scott came and picked me up. He could tell I wasn’t well and wanted to get me some food but I was so out of it I just needed my house and bed and couldn’t be assed to walk one step further than that.
I finally made it home and knowing that I was leaving the following day for Boise, I literally dumped the contents of my backpack into my washing machine and then went upstairs and crashed in my bed for 13 hours. I woke up still sick as a dog but knew I needed to get to my boys. There dad dropped them off in Boise with my parents after their Utah vacation with them and I was missing them with all my heart by this point. That mothers love is what pushed me to get on that next flight to Boise instead of postponing. I also just needed my mom. I didn’t have anyone to take care of me in Chicago so I needed my parents to nurse me back to health.
I made it to Boise after yet another excruciating 3 hour flight. The moment I hugged those boys though it was all worth it. Seeing their smile at the airport as they watched me walk up to them was truly priceless and a moment I will remember forever. Mostly because I was so ill and seeing them was my motivating force through 48 hours of travel.
I got home to my parents and was finally able to collapse. And I mean literally collapse. I couldn’t walk unassisted. I was deathly ill. After loosing 10 pounds roughly and being so severely dehydrated we went to the hospital and got tested and IVs. I was test for everything under the sun and confirmed my liver was not doing well, which I knew from the jaundice of my skin, but I confirmed what I already knew. Dengue Fever. A tropical disease you get from mosquitoes. Not contagious at all except by being bite by those soul blood sucking demons.
I had used repellent diligently but I did get a few bites where I missed spots like the bottom of my feet and between my toes. I guess all it takes is one bite!!
They put me on some heavy drugs to help out the pain and my stomach. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for Dengue besides ride it out so this was for comfort. Unfortunately my body is not used to ANY sort of medication besides an occasional tylenol or advil so I freaked out and legit was hallucinating and went delirious. After a few days I had to quit the meds but luckily the pain had started to go away.
Flash forward to now….I am about 13 days out from my first symptoms and I am finally up and moving for short periods. Two days ago I sat at the pool in the shade and was able to watch and play with my boys for a few hours. Yesterday I was able to go to the pool again and this time play a bit more but mostly sitting on the edge and taking a bazillion videos of them showing me their sweet dives and flips off the diving board. I am SO thankful for the energy to go because yesterday mom and I decided it was time to strip the floaties from my little dude and let him swim. He is now able to swim in the deep end and jump off the diving board and swim to the side!!!! All you mamas know how FREAKING AWESOME this moment is in your kids lives and how big and proud they feel when they accomplish this. I almost cried watching my two boys swimming like little fish side by side. I also of course was envisioning us all at a mass swim start one day getting ready to take on an Ironman…haha!…but that is a few years down the line. That evening I was able to go to dinner with my girlfriends. It was the only day we could all see each other since all our other plans went out the window and I am leaving home soon. I felt like a woman again getting normal clothes on and putting on some blush and mascara. I was completely wiped out at the end of the day but it felt good to be up and moving and LIVING again!
Dengue Fever kicked my ass. Royally.
It altered probably a month of my life and I had to and still have to switch up a lot of “ideas and plans” I have had.
It is life. I have stayed strong through my meditation and leaning on my parents and the friends who keep checking in on me. I have received SO much love and prayers and outpouring of healing positive vibes from SO many of you and I swear I felt it ALL. It carried me when I should have broke down. It healed me. I believe in energy and prayers and blessings and all the love in the world as a force of HEALING the mind, body and spirit. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart I am so grateful and humble.
I admit I finally had my moment this morning. I cried. I sobbed. I let myself feel everything that I have been experiencing. It was the first time I cried since the flights home. I cried because I felt weak and worthless. I cried because all my plans had to be changed. I cried because I felt like a bad mom and daughter because I went to Bali and then got sick and was basically a zombie for a week. I cried for all the sadness and loneliness and despair I felt the past 13 days. I cried for the girl on the plane that wanted to just roll over and die versus go back to her seat. I cried it all out and I LET MYSELF FEEL every damn emotion. Crying is so fucking therapeutic and we look on it as a weakness. Forget that. Cry. Cry as much as you need and FEEL every emotion no matter how dark or high or ludicrous you may “think” they are in your head. If you FEEL them, they are valid. They are valid because they are your own. Just because you feel an emotion or a certain way doesn’t mean you ARE that emotion or certain way. It doesn’t mean you have to live there. It just means…hey….I accept that right now I feel this way and I am going to feel it completely and then it can pass by me. I don’t have to hold on to it. That is why crying is so therapeutic because it is a release! You can feel and then release.
After my sobfest this morning I stood up and washed my face and got some water. I meditated for just a few minutes and felt peace. I feel like I let go of the emotional burden of this illness today. Emotions are a lot to carry and when we can feel and let go we have such a weight lift from our shoulders and we can see life and love more clearly.
This has been such a learning experience for me. A humbling experience. I still have a way to go before I get back to where I was before strengthwise, training, and even where I wanted to be with work and my projects BUT….What it comes down to is this…
How we react and respond in the hard times defines how we will react and respond in the good times.
If we are able to pay attention in the mud and rise above…we will be able to pay attention on the top of the mountain.
Life is just so LIFE….
Highs and Lows and full of unexpected twists and turns.
I am truly just thankful for my babies and family and health at this moment. I’m holding tight to it today and walk with a little more gratitude and peace in my heart, mind, body and most importantly spirit.
I’ve missed writing here and am SO thankful to be back at it!