It’s an early morning here. For some reason getting up SUPER early to meditate, journal and sip my coffee while I write is simply my favorite thing in the world. It is what excites me and what I would get up every single morning for. I love sitting in my writing spot and my favorite chair, cozied up in fuzzy blankets and having soft music on or no music and just the quiet and darkness of the world. I can look at my favorite tree and watch the sun come up. I feel PEACE here. Before the chaos of life kicks in. I reflect. I write. I pray. I ponder. I heal.
There was a time for about 6 months that I lost myself. Creatively that it. Referring back a few posts it was a time of my heart breaking and I was in the bargaining phase of grieving and trying to mend a relationship with someone who never actually wanted it. That is a crazy place to live looking back because it simply drives you crazy. I felt every single thing that I wrote or put out into the world was being looked at through a microscope and used against me in regards to this one human. It was hard. Very hard. Because writing is my innocence in a harsh world and shows my vulnerability in a cruel society. It is where I go to rise up against the harshness and cruelty and show my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve with my writing and even in my silly instagram posts. It is my way of saying … It is OK to show up as YOU. Yet in the same breath for that short period, I was losing ME.
Grieving is VERY hard. Death or Relationships ending. There is a process and cycle and sometimes it kicks us when we least expect it. Grief I know all too well though. I understand grief and the emotions involved. So I know when I feel anger or sadness they are to be accepted and FELT thoroughly or you will never move on.
It was just a little bit back I feel like I decided to start exploring with my writing again. I dabbled in and out of it. I put it out there and pulled it back in fear. I guess I lived in this false sense of putting my words out into the world equalling never having love. Or being in love again. Or being loved again. I am fully aware of how silly it sounds but most of the time when we actually write out our thoughts daily, a bulk of them are much sillier than we imagined. Maybe that is why writing is so cathartic for me. I feel intensely, I write, I am healed. I go about my life and don’t usually look back after I write it out.
I was talking to my bff yesterday because I was at a breaking point with some personal issues and I called her in tears. We spent almost 2 hours and I am telling you, it was more beneficial than 1800 hours of therapy. We talked about every single thing under the sun and moon. At one point this all came up after we got done with all the initial chatter. I said how I felt I had sacrificed a part of me to someone else. A HUGE part of me for that matter. And how that won’t happen again. Growth can be painful sometimes and we only can learn lessons through experiences. I embrace that. I told her my ambitions and dreams and felt so confident in them. And passionate. And happy.
It is funny how love can cloud our mind. Or an idea of love. We all want to be loved. It is a basic human emotion and essential to growth. But does love really have to come from a lover? Or can it come from the ones we LOVE and who love us. Like that little circle of people that we call in tears or call because we need to hear their laugh. Or the ones who write and say how they can don’t even know if they can keep it together for 24 hours until they get to see you next. Or in the voice of unconditionally loving mom. Or in the warm little body of our babies pressed up against us to get in those last cuddles before bed.
Needless to say, I feel like my creativity is soaring recently. Some really incredible opportunities and projects are in the works. I am back writing. I am working on a second novel at the moment. My first is locked away for now. I’m not ready to release that kind of vulnerability into the world. Mostly because some parts are still too raw for me to go back and read. And when and if that is ever put into the world, I need it to be a scar, not an open wound or scab. But my second one. It is a good one. And I am excited about it. I’m almost a quarter of the way done. It is a much different tone but it is real and from my heart. It is something I work on in my spare time. But I also make time in these early morning hours because it is what I love to do.
What about you? Have you lost part of yourself to someone or something? Have you crippled your creativity and passion for a job? Have you muted part of your personality for “love”? One amazing thing about being 210% single and not giving two fucks about dating is the time you get to really invest in yourself. To learn about YOU. Who you are and what you like to do. What you want. It is a sacred time of life that I am thankful I get to experience now. I love living life and growing. I love changing and evolving. Life really is one great adventure.