I am not looking for love. I don’t seek out dating and men. You won’t find me on any dating apps. I don’t need a man for validation that my life is “on track” and I’m “whole” or for cheap sexual gratification. My home is within my own soul. My good friend recently post the quote, I am not looking for my other half, because I am not half. I loved this and repost it. I couldn’t agree more. No, I am not seeking any of this…I have a lot bigger plans for myself regarding love than easy dates and meaningless sex…
And I am not settling.
Being a strong, independent woman and a complete, sappy, hopeless romantic are not mutually exclusive. I am proudly both.
I am simply open. To whatever life brings me. But I believe in the magic of love and first kisses. I believe in random meetings and butterflies that make chills crawl up and down your arms and spine.
And I believe it is worth the wait…
I was watching a clip from Elizabeth Gilbert being interviewed by Oprah and she nailed something in this video … She said her husband at the time would tell her:
“A woman’s place is in the kitchen, with her feet up, drinking a glass of wine, watching her husband make her a meal”
She didn’t know what she did to deserve this treatment and life. A friend told her:
“You blossomed into the sort of person who attracted a man like that. You learned how to treat yourself so well on your own that when someone came along who treated you well, you finally recognized what that feels like because you’ve been doing it to yourself the whole time. ”
This got me thinking. I have been single for many years. During this time, I have learned to take care of myself mind, body and spirit. On my own. I pamper myself and treat myself with respect. It has been the most beautiful blossoming I could have ever imagined.
I look around, almost daily sometimes and see and hear about SO many people who are settling. In love. Which really breaks my heart. Everyone has their reason for settling…maybe they are having hidden love affairs on the side to compensate, they stay together for the kids, they settle for financial security, it is comfortable or many other reasons but nonetheless they are not happy in their soul. They have settled.
On the flipside, I see some very successful relationships that inspire me. But for the ones that settle, I wonder if they remember how they like to be treated by themselves first and a companion second…
Do they remember that they love to draw a bubble bath at night and to have a lover who does that for them and then slips in with a glass of wine to ask about their day is something they could only dream about now…
Do they remember that they love lying on the grass on a warm summer night watching the stars pass by and having a lover to lay beside them holding hands is now only something they could dream of…
Do they remember how much they love that sip of hot tea or coffee in the morning just the way they love it prepared and to have a companion bring it to you just the way you like seems absurd now…
Have they lowered their standards out of comfort in a relationship? Did they ever learn how they wanted to be treated but realized that “good enough” was ok with them so they could have a companion or what they perceive as stability? I don’t know…
What I do know, is whether you are single or in a relationship we should not be settling. Life is WAY to short for that. Talk to yourself the way you want to be talked to. Touch yourself the way you want to be touched. Do the little things for yourself that you enjoy and love and one day you will notice when someone else does those things and you will recognize that is something you can fall for in that person. It is cliche to say, Love Yourself, but really is it? Ultimately if we don’t love ourselves then how can we love anyone else? We should expect to be treated how we would treat ourselves from our lover whether it is the first date or 50 years later. “Comfort” is an excuse for the lazy in love. As you fall more in love, the little things should become more exciting because the level of intimacy both emotionally and sexually grows and deepens and you learn how to please each other in all the ways we have learned to make our own self happy. (Not just talking sexually here) But first we need to know what we enjoy and love and how we like to treat ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves in the most passionate and tender ways. From our thoughts to our actions. Learning what makes us smile and melt with love and lust. It isn’t selfish…It is necessary for a thriving, lasting love affair with first ourselves and then with someone we choose to let love us (and us them) in the same tender and passionate manner.
Love is beautiful. Love is worth the wait. I know for me, I won’t settle one bit. Nobody should.
My friend Steve Maraboli wrote this the other day and it summed up my thoughts exactly:
Fairytale Relationships… I don’t mind when people tell me that my relationship ideals are a fairytale.
If it is a fairytale to be loved, to be respected, to have passion, a moving and active love — if that is fairytale, then yes. If mutual respect, love, lust and friendship is a fairytale, then of course! I want to be in love with you, in lust with you, in like with you… it’s a multidimensional world why would I want a one-dimensional relationship?
I want love, passion, honesty and companionship… sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.
That’s the standard I’m setting. What standard are you setting?
Many people make the mistake of expecting others to treat them in a more loving and respectful way than they treat themselves. If you don’t love yourself, stop expecting others to. If you don’t respect yourself, stop expecting others to. If you don’t keep promises to yourself, stop expecting others to. If you are not faithful to your dreams, your goals, and your resolutions, stop expecting others to be.
We inspire others to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. It is in this relationship that we set the standard for all others.
Love, passion, honesty and companionship…
I want those kinds of things — if that is a fairytale, I’ll wait for it… I’ll cultivate it… I’ll create it. Every time I have settled for less, I have felt empty, incomplete, had too much drama, and just didn’t feel the wonderful magic of love.
Others can waste their time and settle for less, but not me. Never again! Others can think it’s a fairytale and look down upon it, but keep this in mind… every great experience and advancement, from walking on the moon, to airplanes, to video phones, to GPS, to the Internet… at some point, these were all considered a fairytale. It doesn’t mean it’s not real; it means it is there for you to work towards, cultivate, and create.
Beautiful words huh?
If you want your fairytale, hold on for it. You are whole on your own. Learn to to treat yourself with respect, love and tenderness first and the rest will fall into place. This I know for sure…The magic is worth the wait.
And if you are a single mom like me…One of the most powerful quotes I have ever read is:
“You are worthy of whatever fairytale you envision. Being a Mom, doesn’t change that”
Don’t settle for love…Fight for your fairytale. You are worth it.
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