I have been a little MIA over the past month. Yesterday I sat down and wrote a blog post of all the reasons I was MIA over the past month and it got so personal I decided to copy and paste into my daily journal instead of pressing publish. Which isn’t like me because I made a vow to myself at the beginning of this year that I would sit and write here MOST days and hit publish … most times without proofreading even! Simply because this is a place to get my creative mind working and an outlet for writing. It is a free thinking place that allows me to keep my train of thought (no matter how random it may be) down on “paper” and then I can be focused in my writing pursuits outside of this blog.
As I was writing down the events and emotions surrounding the past month I realized it had been ONE HELL OF A MONTH! Ha! Can anyone else relate?!?
I mean there is SO much GOOD and FUN but at the same time a lot of brutal emotional experiences to bounce back from. All while navigating starting a few new projects, all my current stuff, beginning “off-season” Ironman training and being a mom to two little boys that challenge me every day. Now they are EXCEPTIONALLY good kids but parenting in general keeps you on your toes. Every day is different and I am now dealing with two small humans versus babies or toddlers that have more of physical needs to be met. We are dealing with REAL emotions and frustrations coupled with the JOY and light-heartedness of youth. I feel like starting Kindergarten for my youngest started a big shift in our lives and a new phase of life. Maybe it just took us a few months to really get THERE … to a place we are in a routine and thriving and learning to understand each other better. I feel enormous pressure on a daily basis. I wish every single day I had someone to run ideas and thoughts by about my kids or maybe just tell me I wasn’t completely fucking them up some nights. Even with a phenomenal co-parenting situation and father, single motherhood is a heavy weight to bear at times. My heart goes out to ALL of your single moms out there during the holidays and each day. You are NOT alone. I experience the same emotions and understand you. And I love you!
I like to always say my “partner in rise” versus crime about Jess because she is a woman that wants me to RISE more than most anyone I know. I feel the same about her. And together we want to help EVERYone RISE to their highest potential. But that is rare to find. That genuine caring and unwavering loyalty. We share a special bond because we can talk about the most sacred of our experiences together. Our spirits just GET each other. If there is one person that helps me stay the course every day it is her. We have had a few special talks the past couple weeks but yesterday there was something different. In my car after we found the PLACE we will be hosting our retreats and workshops we just were talking about 2017 and plans and goals and where we were and what magic is brewing in the Universe and Stars around us. Without fail, later in the day some more magic took place and it is just refreshing to have someone who just GETS your crazy mind and spirit in all its messy glory.
I was talking with one of my dearest friends yesterday. Someone who came into my life at the exact moment I needed them. Someone who never wavers in remembering every date, moment and important event and always reaches out to me. We were laughing about how we were ready for this year to be over. How each year we start and never know what to expect or how it will all turn out. This is SO true. And yet I can’t help but feel a funnel of energy that is finally bringing everything together for this coming year.
2016 was a magnificent year. I loved. I lost. I felt rejection in the fullest. I felt unconditional love. I learned what loyalty means. I cried until I could no longer breath but I laughed until I could no longer breath too. I made friends out of strangers and strangers out of friends. I travelled the world with my backpack and watched the sunrise from the top of a volcano. My heart was shattered and broken. The love of my children filled my heart with SO much love and tenderness I felt it would burst with love. I was hospitalized with a tropical illness and a failing liver and came back to run a marathon 3 months later. I met 3 girls from my solo travels that have become near and dear to my heart and are scattered across the globe. I sat and cried on an airplane bathroom floor with my head on the toilet seat wanting to simply die because I was so ill from Dengue Fever and I was all alone. I ate pizza in Rome. I saw the windmills in Amsterdam. I practiced yoga in Bali. I brought my boys to Disneyland with their father and watched their faces light up each day. I raced at Oceanside Half Ironman with my friends. I wrote a book. An entire novel. It sits on my nightstand. I am not sure its future but I really did it. I finished my first novel! I was given opportunities beyond my wildest dreams this year. I cried to myself more times than I could possibly count. I taught my youngest to swim. I ran 5k’s with both my boys but really fast ones with my 7-year old. I learned that saying you are sorry goes a long way. And that some people have the grace to show you mercy for your misjudgments and mistakes. I felt the depths of loneliness. I learned not everyone who says they have your back, truly does and will betray you in a moment’s notice if it means you will experience hurt or a setback. These people simply are in pain and hurting themselves. Hurting people Hurt people. Show them grace but don’t forget. A leopard never changes its spots. I was taken care of at my physical weakest by a loving friend who captured my heart by doing so and taught me you do ANYthing for the ones you love. I learned my deepest insecurities in love. No matter how unattractive or vulnerable they make me, I learned that like everyone, I have my own. And now that I recognize them and know them I can be aware of them and continue to work on them. Because I know my OWN weaknesses, I know that I must show the same compassion in love. Love is two imperfect people who will mess up a TON that are committed to being by each other’s side. Every day. And every day waking up choosing that person over all else. I watched the sunrise most days from favorite chair, in my favorite room, in the quiet hours of the morning. I found magic in the butterflies, flowers, ladybugs, birds and beauty of my newfound love of trail running. I learned that I feel closer to God on my trails than I ever did in 30 years of religious instruction. I learned the power of forgiveness and sorry over and over and over again. I learned that teaching my children to ALWAYS be the bigger person is one of the best lessons I can teach them. I learned that lesson from their dad and I am thankful each day for that. Someone told me I had a very special spirit and I never forgot that compliment. I learned that a neighborhood full of laughing children in the warm, late summer hours while sitting on the driveway with your best friends across the street in camp chairs is what this life is all about. Above all … when all the magic was lost … when I believed love didn’t exist anymore … when I didn’t believe I could FEEL anymore … I was reminded of my inner spirit by someone special to me. I made a promise to never lose my big ball of mushy love, vulnerability and tenderness. To never give up the hope I talk about. To not let the world “get to me” no matter what I see happen, what I have been through or how badly people can shock me. So here I am at the end of 2106. A fuckton more life experience. Highs and Lows emotionally, physically and spiritually.
But where I am at in THIS moment is here:
I know for sure the Universe and God love a stubborn spirit … One that keeps showing up every day with the BELIEF, HOPE and LOVE of their dreams coming true. That do the best they can each day to work toward them and are open to all the little breadcrumbs of signs of hope and manifestation along the way. When you believe it, it appears. When you are open to it, it manifests. When you dream it, it comes true.
Always LIVE your WILD. Always OWN your WILD. Always STAY your own unique WILD.
And that wraps up my 2016 in one big freaking long random ass post!